Sunday, August 2, 2009

Writing | Fear and how is shapes you

As previously mentioned I have the desire to be an author. I have ever since I learned how to read English in fourth grade. I was in French immersion in school and learnt French first. They tried to teach us how to read in English in grade three but I didn’t fully grasp in fluently until grade four – the reading part, the speaking it I grew up in an English household. My challenges with growing up in an English household and going to a French immersions school may be explored at another time. Needless to say I struggled in both. When I finally grasped reading in English I was swept away. I ran with it and added that to my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. Pirate. Actor. Author. I am currently working on the most realistically attainable of those goals. Mind you I did take sailing lessons last summer.

The desire to be an author. I want to write a book. It is a common occurrence I have heard quite often. One that I question when other people say it. One that I wonder if they question it when I say it too. The truth is a lot of people want to write a book. A lot of people are working on a book. A lot of people never get further than their desire. Not a lot of people succeed. A lot of people are defeated before they even start because of the odds.

At times I questioned my desire in pursuing this path. The fact is I always had intentions of pursuing it on the side. To keep plodding away in every day realities but to keep writing as my shining star on the side. To not let reality defeat me, but to also not be unrealistic. To have a means to help support our little nuclear family as well as pursue my dreams.

I went to a psychic fair with a good friend of mine and he had his fortune read, I on the other hand am a chicken shit. I believe that people will bend what physics tell you to fit their circumstances. Psychics talk in vagueness. They give no for certain, like this person, this time, kind of deal. They said this is a lucky number for you. You will find success. You have danger in your future. Those kind of vagueness. And that allows people to bend time and circumstances to fit what they have been told. People are essentially gullible.

But another problem with me and psychics is that I don’t want to know. I don’t want them to tell me I have great heartache ahead of me and then come home and question my relationship with my Cowboy. I am happy now and I don’t want that being ruined by misplaced foreshadowing. So I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know that maybe writing is never going to work out for me. Then I’ll be defeated before I have even started. So I don’t want to know what a Psychic has to say.

Getting back to the fair. They told my friend that he won’t make it as a painter. He has great riches ahead of him if he just channels in on the right path and dedicates himself to it. He asked if it would be through his art. And the woman said no. He asked a direct question and got shot down. That is absolute cruelty.

What I like about the future is that it is unknown. That it is forever bendable by choices. If it were set in stone then that sincerely makes me question about the greater justice of the whole world. How could such evil be allowed to happen if prophesy is foreordained and controlled by a higher being. How could evil shit be allowed to happen?

What I am trying to say is that I don’t want to know the future or be trapped by it and have my decisions reflect what I have been told to be the future and therefore I make it come true through my actions when I otherwise might not have. It’s like being told the world will come to an end. We might just help push it along those paths and not give a shit, and be like why should I do anything, were all just going to die horribly anyways. Prophecy takes away hope and free will.

But that is just an aside. My way of describing my fear of the future and the fear of failing on the path that I have chosen. How that fear can guide us to make decisions we would not normally make if freed from that fear. The world would be much different if not one feared being homeless and pursued their dreams.

What I really want to say is that I have been having issues writing and dedicating myself (fear). I read a good book and I think that is how I want to write. That is who I want my style to reflect. Then I will read something by a different author and they will have a completely different style and voice. I am awed by this other author and then I want to write like them. Then I think why can’t I take what I like from everyone and bend it to be me. Try a little spice of everything that I like and go from there.

What this means is that I was confused for the longest time if I should write my book in first person or third person limited. I had started it in third person limited, but was having issues juggling the plot and how I wanted to develop it. It was about one character primarily so I thought if I narrowed the story down to her and her discovery of events that it would be more intriguing, only finding out things when she does. So I switched it and threw it all into first person. And while the writing may have been easier, I am finding that I am lacking certain crucial story arcs that I wanted to include. I am missing key viewpoints that really allow us to connect with the other characters involved. Some of these people need to be more than two dimensional hollow voices. They have their own motives and reasons for doing what they did. And I don’t want it blandly being told in a conversation. I don’t want to information dump, it lacks finesse. I aspire to greater than that. I want the reader to be in the other characters heads. To really feel their pain. Their emotions, and grow with them. To hate them at times. To love them at others. And the only way for me to do this is to go back and redo it in third person and add the extra narratives.

So now I have to go back and redo a good chunk. It may not seam huge in the large perspective of it all, but I think that it will really give the story the dimension it requires for it to be the quality I desire it to be. If I am aiming to write amongst the best, I have to be willing to completely and utterly pour myself into this project and do it properly the first time. There is a certain style that is reserved for epic fantasy and while I do want to draw from the other genres I have seriously enjoyed, I also want to write something that is uniquely my own. I am finding it a tight balance to walk the rope to write the type of novel I foresee. Here’s to hoping that it works. That I find my voice amidst a sea of both other successfuls and other hopefuls.